Welcome to the club?!!?

Almost a month ago I involuntarily joined the Lying Cheaters and the Women Who Love Them Club. Yay, me? It's hardy an exclusive club, but, shit, does it ever feel that way right now.

I'm questioning everything - and I mean EVERYTHING - I thought I knew about my marriage, my husband and myself. Esther Perel talks about how the discovery of an affair ends the marriage, and that the couple then has to decide whether or not to embark on a next new marriage together. My husband and I are attempting to move into our second marriage to each other, and I have never been as scared/hopeful/angry/in love/hurt/confused as I am now in the aftermath of discovering his infidelity.

Before, I had been absolutely certain and adamant that infidelity was an absolute deal breaker and that I would be gone, no ifs, ands or buts. (I still put our odds at about even at best, by the way, so no starry eyed optimism here.) Now, that certainty, and a few other things, have turned to myth. I'm pretty sure I know the sordid extent of his infidelity, and yet I am still here. I vacillate between feeling like a doormat and feeling hopeful, back and forth, all day, every day. It's emotional whiplash.

One of the most distressing aspects of being the wife whose husband cheated is being blamed, both directly and indirectly, by some of the few people who know. HE cheated on me; therefore I must have done, or not done, something to have CAUSED him to stray. Such bullshit! I fully own that I share in the responsibility for problems in the marriage, but I sure as hell did not make him step outside the marriage. That was a decision he made all on his own, and I do not share in that.

So, where things go from here?