Here be dragons

His affairs were online with several webcam performers from a South American country. During the discovery phase, I found out the screen names of the two main ones he frequented and supported financially, and more recently I have been anonymously lurking on the webcam site, trying to figure out their appeal in particular and of the cam girl world in general.

One performer is easy to find; she broadcasts regularly. She has a consistent style to her public performances: brash, in your face, good time girl. Not much personal interaction with the viewers, even the regulars, beyond gasping thanks for tips. That presumably takes place during the private shows and interactions. Her following is quite large, so to stand out from the crowd has to take large frequent tips.

The other one, with whom he claimed to have fallen in love, is more elusive. Naturally she is also the one I want to study the most. I've only spotted her once, just as she was signing off. I wonder if she wears the necklace and if her daughter plays with the toys he bought and sent. I wonder if she is driving the car that I saw pictures of in his WhatsApp files that I assume he was helping fund. I wonder if her connection to him was emotional enough that it continues without the financial support. (Because I can see that he is not paying her anymore.)

The little slice of the world of webcam performers that I have been lurking in is both fascinating and frightening. Some have amazing charisma and are able to convey personal interaction in what is a generally impersonal environment. The mechanics of the tipping system are sophisticated, along the lines of Vegas gaming machines - so easy to click to tip, with lots of sensory feedback (literally bells and whistles, virtual high fives from the other viewers, and breathy call outs from the performer herself). The registered viewers who tip can become part of a community of sorts, a brotherhood who have a mutual bond in watching a woman masturbate herself and who also compete with each other to be the tip king, to be invited to be a moderator for her shows and other personal favors, and to be among her virtual protectors. It's the strangest mix of creepy and cuddly.

Does it get better?

Tomorrow will be two months since I discovered the affair(s). I really thought I was getting past the worst of the aftermath, I really did. He says he has been "good", I have no indication to the contrary, and yet I have gone completely off the rails this week.

The proximate trigger was seeing a woman who resembled the affair person. While I was with my daughter. The initial shock was manageable; the aftershocks were not. By that evening I was a basket case. The therapist warned me that there might be trigger events like this that reactivate the trauma, but I didn't really understand what that meant until experiencing one.

I feel like I am right back in the throes of the crisis. My stomach is in knots. Insomnia is back. If I do get to sleep relatively easily, I wake up in a panic in the wee hours and struggle to restrain myself from ransacking his office like I did back then in the discovery phase. I try to read the tea leaves in every interaction, inaction, statement, question, every every every. I have had hyper-realistic dreams about him changing his mind about wanting to stay in the marriage. I can push the panic to the side for a while, enough to function throughout the day, but not for long.

When does this shit stop? When do I stop punishing myself mentally for his misdeeds?