Tomorrow will be two months since I discovered the affair(s). I really thought I was getting past the worst of the aftermath, I really did. He says he has been "good", I have no indication to the contrary, and yet I have gone completely off the rails this week.
The proximate trigger was seeing a woman who resembled the affair person. While I was with my daughter. The initial shock was manageable; the aftershocks were not. By that evening I was a basket case. The therapist warned me that there might be trigger events like this that reactivate the trauma, but I didn't really understand what that meant until experiencing one.
I feel like I am right back in the throes of the crisis. My stomach is in knots. Insomnia is back. If I do get to sleep relatively easily, I wake up in a panic in the wee hours and struggle to restrain myself from ransacking his office like I did back then in the discovery phase. I try to read the tea leaves in every interaction, inaction, statement, question, every every every. I have had hyper-realistic dreams about him changing his mind about wanting to stay in the marriage. I can push the panic to the side for a while, enough to function throughout the day, but not for long.
When does this shit stop? When do I stop punishing myself mentally for his misdeeds?
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